New Here, Hitting Rock bottom. VERY scared and alone.

[Seattle_chick36]

Hi Everybody.

I am new here. I desperately need to change my life around. I have had a secret addiction for three years. I have lost my job, facing a felony and completely out of control. The guilt is eating me alive. I lie, steal, have severe depression, owe everyone I know money. The worst part is I don’t even enjoy using. It fills me with shame, guilt, anxiety and self loathing.

Strangely enough most of my guilt comes from my loving and beautiful dog. I feel like I am letting her down. Even though she is well taken care of and we still hike  and go to dog parks, I feel like she feels my pain and it is unfair.

I don’t know where to start. I do not feel comfortable sharing this with my family as I feel it will destroy them. I can’t and won’t do that at this point. My family thinks I’m amazing and always trying hard, when the truth is I am just a liar.

Please anyone, tell me where to start, how to start, I do not want this life. The depression is eating me alive.

[Sean_A]

Seattle_chick36 welcome glad you found us there is hope we have found a way to stop using and find a new way to live and find serenity and freedom. Here are some suggestions :Suggestions in NA: 1. Do Not Use No Matter What. 2. Go To Meetings. 3. Find a Home group and Sponsor even a Temporary Sponsor. 4. Work the steps and traditions with sponsor. 5. Read NA Literature every day. 6. Get involved with service to give back what had freely been given to you. 7. Pray, practice the principles of recovery and carry the message of hope and be grateful.
KEEP COMING BACK NO MATTER WHAT!!!

[Kat]

    I know how much it hurts and destroys you bit by bit, out of guilt and how my family and others would find out I was not the person I was pretending to be.  Sean-A is right, that is how we do it…and for me, being unwilling to disappoint those that would find

[recovery]

They only thing I can suggest is hit local meetings and take suggestions I am glad you found us and hope to get to know you better on here and in chat 

[One_horn]

Hello,
I to had hit bottom with my life spiraling out of control. I found help after admitting my addiction and realizing that I was powerless without the help and following the steps. I have found a few friends and a great sponsor that have helped me out of the darkest days of my life. I have been clean now for over a year. I will continue my recovery for the rest of my life with the help of the people I have met here. I am available to help anytime I can.


Scott

[Lon]

Take the suggestion to heart and live them.

The process of recovery teaches us a new way of living; one where our past becomes lessons instead of guilt and shame – and where we don’t manufacture new guilt and shame on a daily basis.

Getting clean is not easy, staying clean by living the program is not easy either..at first. Then it becomes a way of life..and life gets better.