maintenance program issues…

[danielec11]

 

Hello all, My name is Daniele, and I am currently a struggling addict seeking some refuge to a few thoughts on my mind…
I am fairly new to this whole recovery process, and I already have clincal depression / ednos / anxiety / etc…. The works.

Coming back from rehab was great for a while, I moved out of my college apartment back home and was treated different; despite everyone was walking around on eggshells with me. Now that things are back to normal, I am having fall-outs with my family and dealing with reality, aka the same depressing issues I have before. I know they say over time the thoughts and cravings and triggers get less and decrease over time eventually, however, I have found that those urges are actually getting increasingly more strong for me. All day long I currently think about using, and when I get so low, I get a ock and helps put my mind at ease, but he can’t be there 24/7. nor do I want to look at him as my only case of the "fuck-its." It scares me how things seem to be going backwards for me currently, and I do not know where to turn. I am dating the most loving guy in the world, who is also in recovery… Ahead of me, not only by days but through his mind strength towards fighting addiction as well. He is my rock, however I do not want to become co-dependent on his lovin ways as my vice for being sober.

I am almost four months clean of the works today– mostly heroin, methadone, but not short to opiates, cocaine, benzos, etc. There is no limit to me when I reach the all-time low feeling. When returning home, I was put on a suboxin maintenance program, and I take my daily dosage as prescribed through my doctor. I do NOT abuse them in any way. However, they make me very nauseated most days in this heat (I do not know why) and I’ll find myself vomiting. Despite that factor, the subs aren’t managing to calm my mind anymore. They are not remotely fighting off any urges in my brain like they are supposed to. I am nervous at this point, finding the urges getting tougher and stronger everyday I am thinking about picking up more and more. What can I do?

Any advice is more than greatly appreciated, and could potentially help me more than you know.

"Keep on Keepin’ on"

-DRC-

[AmyC]

  Daniele

Well…. I can tell you that you are not alone…. most definitely!!!! You aren’t the first and won’t be the last addict who thought about using. LOL it’s acutally natural for us to think like that, it takes work to gain freedom from active addiction.

I’m really glad you are here! and reaching out to us!! SO sorry it’s taken so long to get a reply for u!!! 

I know for me when i’m having major thoughts of using, that’s when i rely on the people in Narcotics Anonymous the most… and espeically when i’m having family issues n stuff. I go to meetings as often as I can, when i first came into NA it was suggested that I attend 90 meetings in 90 days… Call women in NA everyday, find a sponsor, start working the steps with my sponsor and do service work in NA. It really helped me a lot… espeically by attending meetings as often as i could, helped me get connected with the people in the meetings and then it made it easier to reach out when i really wanted to use.

You are definitely not alone, you are loved, and at home here with us! The only promise of NA is freedom from active addiction and I know that those thoughts of using they do pass…. everything passes… All i have to do is just tell myself i’m not going to use TODAY… fuck thinking about tomorrow, it’s not here yet. But if i put it in terms of today, or right this minute i’m not gonna use… than i have a fighting chance… Then i get to a meeting or call somebody and I talk about it.
When i put those thoughts into words and let it out of my mouth whether that’s in a meeting or with my sponsor or another addict… it takes the power away from the disease and those urges become less and less.

KEEP COMMING BACK… it gets better!

Love n hugs
AMyC