Here’s the skinny…
I’m 37 years old, active in addiction for 23 years. Numerous attempts at getting clean, but never working a program throughout the years. I’ve always been a successful, likable person. Not much family to speak of, but had a great network of friends back home. Never really alone, always had something to do, someone to hangout with or go places with. Came to a new state 14 months ago to try rehab again for the 7th time. Decided to stay and work a program here. Ended up going through 30 days then onto 60 days of sober living. Got a sponsor, working steps, meetings almost everyday. I even started a meeting here in town that has been flourishing. I landed a supreme, cozy job at a software company, had a decent amount of people in recovery to hang out with. Began studying Buddhism more, mediation and yoga, principals and such. So here I am, almost 18 months clean and totally miserable. To date, I’ve not talked to my sponsor in about 2 months, he’s not reached out to me either. Stopped on the first part of step 3, meeting attendance has dropped to once a week, the meeting I started. No longer want to be the GSR or do h&I, speak or anything. I fell utterly alone. Seems that the recovery community tends to only stay connected with you if you’re regularly attending meetings. I’ve kept 2 close friends in the program since I’ve been lacking with my attendance. One person has reached out to ask how I’ve been over the past few months. I’m having a difficult time placing principals before personalities. I’m sad because my friendships that I made here in the rooms aren’t strong enough to hold fast unless I’m active in the meeting scene. I was once a pretty popular folk in the rooms here in town. Began really hanging out, but now I stay pretty much alone. It sucks that I have to put all the effort into these friendships and I don’t get the same effort in return. I’m starting to judge people, taking a mad inventory of them, accusing them in my mind for using NA as a crutch to not be responsible for their behaviors. Feeling like I have to do this by myself or maybe not at all and just go back out to fill the emptiness again. I had such a loving community, regardless if using was involved. those people back home were genuine friends. No strings attached. One addict helping another, feeling at home in meetings, all of it is the total opposite of what I’m experiencing now. I want to call out the liars in the meetings that embellish/lie about their drug use, then turn around and share something or post something on social media that is totally ludicrous, because I know they are lying. I’m angry all the time, I’m empty, I no longer want anything to do with this but deep down I know how dangerous that could be. not sure if I should go back home, get my old job back, I don’t know. Reality is real to me now. I’m one day not going to be here and that scares me. I’m in a new state and I feel alone in recovery. I feel I can’t be honest with my current sponsor, that I can’t share my deepest secrets with him. I’m not comfortable and our relationship has taken a hit after another situation he and I went through, but that is a different, non-relevant story. Suggestions welcomed. Thanks!
