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11

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.

« Last post by Atm142 on March 18, 2019, 02:20:38 PM »

It’s been a rough few weeks but we’re plugging along and I made it another month of sobriety. My aunt had cancer and had surgery to remove it but she’s been bed ridden ever since and she’s also severely autistic, about 6 years old in her head in a 50 year old 200lb woman’s body.


My mom and aunt are taking care of the other aunt but my mom has cried to me every day on the phone because she’s a small woman and it’s hard to lift her to the bathroom and give her shots because she’ll physically fight you off. My mom is covered in bruises.


I’m going to go stay with them for awhile to give my mom a break and for whatever reason my disabled aunt likes and respects me so does whatever I ask to prove she can.


I’ve also given my brother my car for a few weeks so mom doesn’t have to drive him to take UA’s at 7am or meet his parole officer.


So transportation is difficult and I’m perpetually exhausted also chasing around my 2 year old but it will all be worth it. In service to others is when I feel most fulfilled and I just don’t want my mom to spend these years so full of anxiety and pain.


It’s strange but I think it’s easier managing my own addiction when I’m helping people manage their problems.

 

 

12

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.

« Last post by Atm142 on February 19, 2019, 12:33:30 PM »

Made it another month. Had a water pipe burst it’s been tough on the money. Mostly spent the month in doors. Getting excited about going back to school. Not sure what I’m going to be doing there. Just going to do a few classes and see if I can still do classwork at a reasonable level and if so go from there. If not just do something simple.


Most excited I’ve been about me and my families long term goals in a long time.

 

 

13

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.

« Last post by Atm142 on January 23, 2019, 12:02:05 PM »

Moving forward this year. Got my acceptance letter going back to school in the fall. Going to try and focus on finishing my schooling and self improvement this year. I haven’t had any major urges or any kind of relapse in several years in fact this January marks year 11 of not hunting down street drugs or looking for trouble.


My autistic aunt got diagnosed with cancer and my mom is taking it pretty hard. I just want to step up and be that guy everyone can depend on.

 

 

14

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.

« Last post by Atm142 on November 28, 2018, 02:08:14 PM »

Another month of sobriety. Thanksgiving and Halloween was fun for me and my daughter. I’ve had a pretty good couple of months. What’s interesting though is I feel like I’m on the outside looking in these days on the addiction front. My brother once beat me up when I was in high school because he found out I was dealing weed. He went on to run a bank, adopt kids and get married. All the things I wanted in life while I just wanted to get high. On Thanksgiving he was sitting in jail for running from the cops with drugs and a gun in the car. I know it’s genetic but holy smokes since my dad died and his wife left him he has had a mid life crisis like no other.


He was an anti drug guy quick to judge so it’s weird how the tables have turned. I just want him to be happy but I never went down the road as deep as he has but I’m trying to be loving and forgiving but it’s driving my mom crazy. He’s been kicked out of numerous homes and programs, even had open heart surgery a couple months ago.


None of this makes sense I’m just worried about him I guess.

 

 

15

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.

« Last post by Atm142 on October 01, 2018, 01:12:23 PM »

Another month gone by. I got a pretty gnarly sore throat and my fever keeps spiking. This just started out of nowhere yesterday. My brother is going to need heart bypass surgery and keeps passing out from blood sugar levels. I don’t really feel my sobriety threatened as much anymore but it is and probably always will be a daily struggle.


My mother in law wants me to try kratom. Thinking about it.

 

 

16

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.

« Last post by Atm142 on September 05, 2018, 01:28:16 PM »

Made it another month of sobriety – honestly don’t even remember the last time I drank alcohol let alone had a hard drug. I think I had a glass of wine at Easter six years ago. They are Catholic so I think it might have been rude to decline. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel tempted sometimes though. Luckily I don’t have the temptation right in front of me anymore instead it will come from watching TV like breaking bad or something. Then I’ll think about getting high and fantasize about having that kind of money and power again but I realize it’s just fantasy and the truth was far uglier.


I have a family now too, a real one and I don’t ever want them exposed to that part of my life. I met my fiancee after I had gotten sober so she’s only ever known this part of me and she’s never even smoked weed so sometimes I’m afraid if she ever saw that part of me she would run away and I wouldn’t blame her but that IS a part of me so sometimes it feels like I’m living a lie.


It’s just strange though how I used to struggle to keep my sobriety for just an hour, then it became days which is where I think I’m still at and might always be but those days became weeks months years and finally a decade. It all just kind of blended together though and kinda doesn’t feel real. Like even though it’s been so long and I can’t remember the last time I actually used but it still feels like those days aren’t that far behind me. I’m not as wealthy and there are days I feel like I wish I could give my family all the amazing things they deserve and temptation comes back.


But we are healthy happy and safe and which matters more and when I look back at all my favorite childhood memories they are never when they bought me a new toy but when I just got to spend time with my parents and time is something I have in abundance now as a sober adult and intend to give as much as possible of it to my daughter.

 

 

17

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.

« Last post by Atm142 on July 11, 2018, 01:36:58 PM »

Lost another breaker in my house. Gonna cost an arm and a leg to fix. Had a good fourth of July though with my family been a pretty quiet month otherwise.

 

 

18

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.

« Last post by Atm142 on June 13, 2018, 01:20:59 PM »

Things are getting a little easier. It’s easier to brush off things I have no control over. Thinking about having another child but sometimes it kills me I can’t provide all the things my daughter deserves. As a kid some of my favorite memories though are when we didn’t have much money. I’m sure it was hell for my parents but before the money came we just spent all of our time together having fun in the living room. After it was all about going out.


But hey if I can’t afford to give my daughter the best tutors maybe I can try to be that tutor for her.

 

 

19

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.

« Last post by Atm142 on May 16, 2018, 01:23:06 PM »

A couple weeks ago was the first time I woke up and forgot to the my medicine since I started it. It lasted until the afternoon and my daughter was keeping me busy as I drank copious amounts of coffee but I’m hoping it means something.

 

 

20

Introductions and Celebrations! / Re: Gratitude : I’m clean for 6 years !

« Last post by Atm142 on February 21, 2018, 01:24:26 PM »

Congratulations! It’s not easy so it is great to hear ongoing success stories like this. I will definitely check out your blog. May I ask where are you from and about your story?