alien22

Moved back over to the 'multi-care' houses of the residential treatment, a more structured and less relapse-prone place to be. Going over the options in my head, like do I really want to be in treatment or do I think I would be happier living out there in the community or somewhere else. I've pretty much embarassed myself here at this place, going to group out of my mind yesterday. Oh well, I must re-consider my position as to efficacy of this program, or do I 'pick up the pieces' and move on. Or maybe it's somewhere in between. Not all is lost, and there is still a chance that this program could work. But it's going to take a lot of effort on MY part, and I'm not entirely sure that starting over somewhere else wouldn't be easier on me and the others here at this setting. More to come on that later.

Well, here I am, in a hospital bed after a relapse. Too bad of a thing for me to even start to contemplate, yet I remain vigilant and awake. The 'overdose' was not planned but does remind me of my weaknesses. I had plenty going for me, and I suppose I still do. But depression isn't happening, not today. The wheels still turn, just like they always did. The cool wind still blows off the ocean just like every other night. And my life, just has one more little bump in it's road and notch on it's bedpost. The question is, when do I quit the madness?? This innocent-looking cough medicine is ruining my life!! I've learned to deal with life as it comes, but I am always making things so much more difficult for myself than they already are. So I have a new sobriety date, no big deal. In some ways I feel relieved that I have survived for that long. My life has been shit, and I'm now able to say I've at my bottom. Thinking I was ok when really I had not been. Why do I fool myself into thinking it's ok ?! it's not!! I'm in a hospital!! Yikes!!

Finding things to be somewhat monotonous recently and wanting things to move along more quickly. I know this will probably not happen, so I am left with a somewhat 'bored' feeling, and not altogether exciting. But maybe this is what I deserve, or better yet what will help me see that there are indeed better times ahead. Thinking things through is what I need to do, and I guess I have to be happy with that. No pressure from anybody about anything, and no reason to be depressed. But again, nothing extraordinary either. Ok, enough of this meaningless analysis of nothing in particular, will write more when there's more to write about.

Changed the skin for the blog, sorry if it's a little difficult to read with the color contrast, it's hard for me to tell on my iPod, if you absoluty cannot read it, please let me know, and I will try and fix that.

Otherwise, things are going well. Did have some temptation to 'use' the other day, but made a few phone calls while waiting for a ride in front of the local a and p grocery store, I shouldn't really have been alone at the time, but was waiting for a ride to an AA meeting, and arrived late but sober. I don't have time to write much now, but will add a post this evening.

Ok. So this is my first entry at narecovery blog. Well, technically one of my first blogs ever, except MySpace, and as we all know, no one goes there anymore. So, I will start off by saying that I am an alcoholic and addict of the first-degree who is attempting, yet again, to maintain sobriety and recovery successfully. There are many things that I anticipate writing about in this blog that related to this fact alone, and some other things which are less directly related.

I currently have three weeks clean and sober, but had two and a half months before this most recent relapse. I'm staying at a top-rates treatment center in up-state new york, and have been at this facility for roughly two months (relapsed while staying here). Since my relapse, I have attended an AA meeting every evening. I do this for my own peace of mind, but more-so to ensure that I stay in non-relapse mode and to help with my attitude towards my necessary recovery.

This isn't my first go at it. I have been through quite a few similar facilities, actually, but I find this to be the most comprehensive yet (slshealth.com), and I am also more prepared to 'recover', and at the same time, working on other personal and inter-personal issues that I have accrued or manifested over years past. My objective is to leave this treatment with a new thirst for life, and an eagerness to experience sober life to the fullest. I want to challenge myself in ways that I never have before, and to try exciting things that I have not yet, such as sky-diving, deep sea SCUBA diving, and long distance hiking (appalatian trail). These are activities which I have been interested in forever, but was never sober for long enough times to participate or engage myself in them. This will be changing over the next fee years. I hope to have accomplished most of these things within five years.

Well, that is my first entry. I will write again soon, need to charge my iPod.