Hi.

Thanks to Vic and Lon for doing a shit-ton of work to get the blogs running smoothly. It's beyond my tech-spertise.

I don't write a whole lot when life is good, because I don't find that my thoughts back up behind my eyes as much. I have a lot of curmudgeony kind of thoughts about a lot of things which I keep meaning to write about somewhere or another.

This week though is mostly taken up with filling out paperwork and meeting with a lawyer to write up a petition for me to adopt Lo's kids. Which is a fucking head trip, for me, by the way. One of the things I liked about being gay is that there's no automatic biological assumption that I would reproduce. (Thanks progressive gays for fucking that up for me, by the way, with adoption and marriage and all that shit.) But people could ask Dom or I, "Oh, are you guys gonna have kids?" and I could laugh and say it would take a biological miracle.

So obviously some things have changed.

I can still laugh that no, Dom and I will never have kids. He's pretty happy being the kids' uncle, and they're used to referring to him that way, because that's how it's been for their whole lives. And now I have the added fun of mind-fucking friends of mine when I say something about my girlfriend, and their brains shut down for a second trying to process that information. (I won't lie, that is fun.)

My psychologist of course, has theories and reasons for things, which I find interesting to talk about, but are really just- theories. Since they don't actually affect the end result, I don't worry about it too much. For folks who are curious, I tend to like women much better after resolving some issues with my family and unpacking some of the craziness there. There's still plenty there to deal with, but it's much more manageable for me now.

I am sort of nervous, about all of the checking that goes into it. While I understand the reasons, I do have a record which shows up on criminal background checks. Nothing violent, and nothing to do with kids or domestic violence, just stupid junkie shit. Public indecency (cause I was a ho) and automotive theft and resisting arrest (cause I was a pissed off junkie.) The age of those, and my very clean track record since I've been out of prison will have to speak for themselves. On the plus side, I talked with Doc this morning, and he said he would be happy to write a statement on my behalf, and also that we could set up a few appointments to talk with Lo, me and the kids, and another time when he might be able to visit with either kid (probably with Lo there, because they're wee) to get a feel for where they're at and make a report to the court as well.

Sigh. A lot to think about. All positive, but sort of nerve wracking. Lots of paperwork and documentation to file. Because we've all been living together for the past two years we could waive the home inspection, but Doc made a suggestion that having someone actually come to the house and see how things run might be in our favor. Especially against my track record, so that there will be an official record that yes, our house does run smoothly, is safe for kids, the kids are happy, the adults are happy, everybody is fed, clothed, watered, loved. Which is a good point.

Holy fuck this has been a... dark week for me. I'm still not totally balanced (am I ever?) but I feel a little more even keeled, for right now anyway. The techno mix for the song "Bonkers" is fun. I made it my theme song for yesterday, but now I'm back to "Bitches get Stitches."

I'm very grateful today that I live with someone that cares enough about me to make me take care of myself, and has a pretty good idea of when to step in because I'm unable to. I'm really not always that good at remembering what to do. I did realize that I've been clenching my jaw a lot this week, and grinding my teeth, which gives me a headache. I was reminded to put something between my teeth to stretch my jaw and chewed on a rubber ball for a while. The difference is amazing, I actually feel like I can open my mouth all the way again, and my headache is gone.

I'll spare the rest of the details, but today my toes are numb. :}

I'm very annoyed with Ross, and at the same time... don't really think I should be because he didn't do anything. Which- makes me feel worse for, being kind of a dick for no reason. Not- out loud, just in my head I am. I don't know, I feel... frustrated. Maybe I'll talk with Donnie and see if he has any thoughts. Or, any salient thoughts. I'm sure he has several. I think I only like new people- for as long as they're new, and then it gets too scary and demanding.

At work today, and I really don't want to be, but, I'm here, even though my thumb still hurts. I can just, not really use that hand. Being ambidextrous is nice sometimes.

No can haz emphysema.

Ugh.

Some things.

My counselor is having me keep a log of intrusive thoughts, so that we can have a better idea how things break down, and what kinds of things respond to treatment and what don't. I want to make an excel chart, but I don't know the program well enough to make it how I want. Frustrating.

Something happened yesterday. Donnie said that it was necessary for someone to be blocked from accessing the website at the server level. I guess, I can infer enough from that to know who, and why. Inferences kind of... worry me though, because I tend to blow things out of proportion. I also don't want to know any specifics, because that's worse. I'm very tired of all this. I have this feeling that... the only way to be safe is to not exist. Scary.

I locked myself out of three of my journals... until I can remember what I made the passwords. Hopefully it's something I know, and not a generated password. If I can't remember I guess I'll just start over. Perplexing.

Probably should stop calling in to work. Argued with Donnie this morning until he went to the gym. I am not going to the gym. Guilty.

Distressing.

It's been a very... strange kind of day.

I made the mistake of posting some quotes from the Basic Text and It Works: How and Why on the other board... and got my account deleted. I mean. Really. What I posted:

A Narcotics Anonymous group is any group that meets regularly,
at a specified place and time, for the purpose of recovery,
provided that it follows the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
of Narcotics Anonymous. From Narcotics Anonymous.

and

Remembering our part in the greater whole, we consider unity
when we think about applying the Fourth Tradition. Any decision that
we make as an autonomous group ought to be founded first in our
common welfare. Although we are autonomous, we may offer loving
support to other groups by attending their meetings or offering
other help. NA meetings thrive when groups look beyond their immediate
needs to offer help to each other.
Love is the principle that guides us to see NA as a greater whole.
This impacts our responsibility as autonomous groups. Our group’s
autonomous decisions, based on our love for NA, will serve to
strengthen our efforts to serve others. Love encourages us to reach
out to other members and other groups, finding ways to cooperate
with them in carrying the message of recovery

... I got my account deleted. I'm just... stunned.

Anyway, that happened. Apparently Joyce and Linda also got banned from the room. It's getting a little ridiculous I think. Although, with how little they are following the traditions, I don't really feel like I'm being kept out of an NA group anymore.

Other than that... my friend Sam wrote me a song today, called "Bitches get stitches." And it's awesome. He really made my day- it's been sort of an odd day (see above) but my song makes me smile, and that totally made my day.

Bitches Get Stitches.mp3

Here's the lyrics:

I know a guy named Rae
He's a pretty cool guy, I'd say.
I'm fond of him for speaking his mind,
and knowing that he doesn't have to toe the line.

Chorus:
Now Rae and I often agree
And we often point it out, you see.
It's not about busting your britches;
it's just that bitches, bitches need stitches.

Another thing I like about Rae
Is that he never talks in shades of gray.
If you're a fuckup, actin' a fool,
He'll call you on it; that's just the rules.

The moral is: don't go fucking with Rae
or you'll be holding two wolves at bay.
So if you want to stay alive
think twice before your diatribe.