Lon's Blog

Recovery is kind of funny. The longer I stay clean, the more I realize how little I have examined. I recently celebrated my 16th year clean and I find myself revisiting many issues I thought I had covered before. Things I thought were behind me, I discover that I have just scratched the surface. Recovery is indeed "peeling an onion."

My second sponsor taught me that my defects of character were at one time "survival assets", behaviors that kept me alive and/or sane earlier in life. Now those behaviors just don't work - yet I am driven to do the same things - because at one time those behaviors served me well.

Life goes on, and I am presented new chances to learn.. usually by making mistakes. My mistakes reveal my defects of character. God please take my shortcomings... I want to quit acting out on my defects.

More patterns of behavior are being revealed every day, it is up to me to find the willingness to leave these behind and strike out for uncharted waters..a new way to live.

Spring fever has struck hard. 2nd 70 degree day of the year today, the last 70 degree day was last week. I am rehabilitating the house we are living in. It was my bachelor pad and had sat empty for nearly 3 years. I spent a lot of the winter working on the inside (between visits to Kat in the nursing facility); slowly, I admit that freely - if somewhat reluctantly. Now the girls and I are working on the yard. When I was a bachelor I did not much care about the yard. I/we live in the country - no city ordinances to force a neatly trimmed lawn; so it went "au naturel" - waist high brome grass except for paths cut to access different outbuildings. Kat and the girls don't appreciate my approach to yard care, so things are changing..again, slowly. I am a bit surprised about the amount of sticks and assorted debris accumulated in the high grass. Today we burned off 1/2 the yard to clear matted grass and expose the sticks and debris. It will also stimulate the growth of the grass. After the yard, then it is veggie garden time - build some raised beds and save a few bucks with yummy home grown vegetables. I have started tomatoes and peppers in the house already - to get a head start on the growing season. First up for outdoor planting will be some lettuce. Life still goes on - balance in my life is a bit harder with a family. There is so much to do and never enough time to get it all done...and I am not the most motivated addict known to humankind. Adapt and overcome the things I can change..accept the things I cannot..and try to figure out which one goes in which category. Right now motivation is the challenge of the day.

Monday - Snow - blah. Still working inside the house while wanting to be outside doing springtime things. Yard, garden and ..dare I say it... go fishing! That one 70 degree day spoiled my outlook by letting me have expectations that apparently are unrealistic..that spring has sprung. Relationships ... still working on my end, what is my responsibility and what I need to leave to others. Where do I draw a line when someone else's behavior impacts me? How can i tell when my reactions are out of phase with what is really going on. What are echos of my past and what feelings are rooted in today? Cabin fever is a part of it i know. Too many humans and pets in far too small of a space. Love them all to death...and damn I want to get out and alone for a while. Life is what it is..and keeps moving on.

Life goes on... Lot's of things going on in life right now. Taking care of Kat and the girls, & dealing with Kat's physical limitations and chronic pain. To be honest, I sometimes long for simple... but that just isn't in the cards right now. 48 years of bachelorhood was poor preparation for being a parent to 2 teenage girls and being a partner to a wonderful woman. Challenge is the name of the game we call life. My higher power lets me have these situations to learn from so I can have some personal growth. A favorite coozy of mine (beverage insulating sleeve) says: "God does not give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me quite so much." That pretty much sums up my longing for simplicity in my life. Choices..and more choices...dealing with the echoes of my past in my current relationships and trying to make healthy choices for me, and for those I love. God help me... take my shortcomings and show me how to live.