Kat

It was a just-the-facts thing I posted earlier. Now I am settling into the reality of what just took place and I am dealing with feelings. Fuck. I think FUCK is a feeling....a lot of feelings, actually. I say "Fuck!" when I am pissed or frustrated. I say "Fuuuuuuuck" when I am scared. I say "fuck" very quietly when I know I have fucked up. I say "Fuck yeah!" when I am happy. So, yes, that is my versatile all-purpose go-to word.

Today's fuck is about sheer frustration. I don't fucking want to feel scared anymore. It isn't just this thing with my ex either...I am just, hell, lost...a lot of the time. The people in my life seem to be in perpetual bad moods lately, and while that may just be karma coming back to bite me in the ass, I don't know what to do with any of them or their fucking moods. Seems like every time I KNOW I am right, I turn out to be dead wrong...yet at the same time I spend a good bit of my day apologizing and don't even know what I am apologizing for, just that I need to apologize so that things will be ok again. They don't really ever get ok though, do they? I just get more confused. People just get more furious. Isn't this the life that I was LEAVING BEHIND when I came to recovery?

One of the things I always knew to be true about ME was that I had a pretty good head on my shoulders, that I was smart, and sarcastic and funny, had a cool personality and was fiercely loyal and protective when it came to those I love. Lately I just feel stupid and unneeded/unwanted, a burden and annoyance to my loved ones, and completely NOT in charge of the time table on when my life gets to get underway again. This is a Kat thing to deal with though, it is I who have decided to go down this path, so it is I who will be the one needing to find out where I went wrong. Fuck. Sometimes all there is to say is....FUCK.

I heard from my lawyer today and she told me that my ex has agreed to the time frame I gave him. He, of course, chose the first possible day to get em, and the last possible day to return them, but my lawyer told me not to sweat that. I think she is right. With us coming up with an agreement, we don't have to go to court. Less money, less pain for all involved. The kids are not going to be happy, but they are just going to have to adapt. He wants to see them, and I, even though I cannot stand him personally at the moment, am completely in favor of his wanting to be in their lives. I will support that as much as I can. They will be gone for 5 weeks and 2 days, including travel time.

I am so very tired tonight. I think I could just drop from exhaustion, seriously. What is there left to do when I get to this point? Might be time to see where HALT applies. Hungry...no. Angry...yes. Lonely...yes, actually, even though I am surrounded by people. Tired...YES.

Sounds like it is time for me to have some alone time, get some rest, and try this whole thing again tomorrow. I read once, that when a person is lonely, it is always for themselves. This would mean that the loneliness I feel is from missing my own company. I don't know, though...personally, I don't much like hanging out with me lately lol.

Night all.

Today has been difficult. Waiting has never been one of my strengths, and waiting to hear from my lawyer is just one of the many things I am waiting on. I am taking my ex to court to address custody/visitation issues, after more then a decade of NOT dealing with it. Now that I have started the process, though, I feel more and more like I have opened Pandora's box...and I wonder what is going to come of this. My ex has always threatened me, but this last time, he said he had been "waiting for years to do this" in response to my telling him he was not going to get his way. This was the first time I had EVER told him he was not going to get his way, and I don't think either of us knows what to do with it. He has to hold up to his promise of doing whatever it is he has been waiting for years to do...and I have to hold strong and not be intimidated by his threats, secure in the knowledge that I not only have the kids wishes on my side, but also that I don't live the sort of life today that could result in my losing my kids. Seems so easy when I type it out this way, but my head gets ahold of it and this whole fucking thing just gets bigger and bigger. I don't know why I am scared. But I am.